Things Actors Will Never Say

  • “Can’t wait to renew my Spotlight! It’s so purse friendly and cheap!”
  • “Oh yeah, I’ve been a full member of Equity since I graduated and have never missed my membership renewal.”
  • “I really wish Equity wouldn’t send me that diary every year, it’s rubbish.”
  • “What’s a Strallen?”
  • “I find having new headshots taken a really stress free and easy process.”
  • “I think they should limit the amount of free drinks they hand out on press nights.”
  • “Darren Bell? Hmm, no I’ve never seen any of his photography.”
  • “Ken Branagh AND Judi Dench in one play? Nah not really bothered to be honest.”
  • “SO glad I gave up playing an instrument aged 9, that skill definitely wouldn’t come in handy at all these days.”
  • “Tour is obviously so much better than town.”
  • “Pineapple is so welcoming and not intimidating at all.”
  • “I fucking love working Front of House. The audience are always really lovely and never take photos during the performance.”
  • “I fucking love working Box Office. The customers are always really lovely and never ask about cheap Book of Mormon tickets.”
  • “I fucking love working at RSVP. Selling wine down the phone is really fulfilling and people never hang up on me.”
  • ” I love January. It’s always such a rich and fertile time for jobs and auditions.”
  • “No, I’ve never posted a cryptic tweet or facebook status in my life.”
  • “#notfeelingblessed #notgrateful #dontbringiton”
  • “£95 for a stalls ticket? I’m there!”
  • “I’d turn down Wicked to do TIE in Lincolnshire. I think it’s more artistically noble.”
  • “I think they pay too much for adverts these days, don’t you?”
  • “God you can’t move for straight guys in here.”
  • “If only there were more girls in the business. “
  • “Jock straps and mic packs are so comfy to wear.”
  • “I’ve never felt more artistically alive as I did during an audition for a Morrisons advert.”
  • “Twelve shows of panto every week for eight weeks? Cor, bet I’ll be fresh as a daisy after that!”
  • “Fuck training! I’m just gonna go on the X Factor instead!”
  • “I can put my hand on my heart and say no audition panel has ever been rude or dismissive to me.”
  • “Nah, I never harmonise the end of Happy Birthday, it makes me sound like a bell.”
  • “16 bars? Oh SWEET that’ll be super easy to cut!”
  • “Yep, I have songs in every imaginable style, genre and period as well as comedy, serious and classical monologues in every regional accent ready to whack out at a moment’s notice, no problem at all.”
  • “You can ALWAYS tell what a panel are looking for and what they’ll want to hear, they’re so easy to read.”
  • “This industry is so under-saturated. It’s like there’s just too many jobs for the amount of applicants there are!”
  • “If there’s a choice, could my audition be at 9am? My voice is just better at that time of day.”
  • “This round’s on me, my recent profit share job paid me really well!”
  • “Freedom? Nah, don’t fancy it mate.”
  • “It’s a shame no-one uses The Hustle to ask for spare rooms, isn’t it?”
  • “The best thing about tech rehearsals, is how healthily everyone manages to eat.”
  • “How do you play Zip Zap Boing?”
  • “Oh I LOVE it when I’m asked to bring Pop Songs to an audition! They’re so easy to act through!”
  • “It’s so good for the soul to be part of an industry that doesn’t judge people solely on looks 98% of the time, isn’t it?”
  • “It’s good to see that this whole low pay/no pay thing is sorted out isn’t it?”
  • “First round is a dance call? GET IN!!”
  • “I’ve used my Animal Studies skills so much since graduating.”



  1. Richard Beenham

    April 24, 2015 at 5:44 pm

    “I fucking love working Crew. It’s not at all frustrating to see someone in the cast being shit every night and knowing I could do far better given the chance, and the attitude from other crew members towards actors working Crew isn’t in any way cynical, suspicious or downright hostile.”

  2. Frankie The Mayfairy

    April 27, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    Bahahahahahahha “what’s a Strallen?”
    I don’t know why this one tickled me so much, but it did.

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