25 Thoughts Girls Have During Bad Sex

1. Neck kissing = greaaaaaat. Salvia slug trail on my neck = grooooooosssssss.

2. I wonder if he realises when he breathes into my ear in that ‘sexy’ way, it sounds like Darth Vader having a wank.

3. Heyyyyy my nipples are not chew toys bro. Easy Fido.

4. Also, my tits are actually attached to my body just FYI. And they’re not bread dough either. EASY ON THE KNEADING.

5. What are you trying to do?! Tune into Jazz FM via my nipples?!

6. Oh yeah surrrrre, suddenly trying to vigorously ram four fingers inside me is DEFINITELY the quickest way to get me to orgasm.

7. Ya know,  this would be so much quicker and easier if I just did it myself.

8. Oh whoops, been quiet for a while, better make some encouraging, ‘porny’ noises.

9. Is it rude if I just move his hand to where it actually needs to be?

10. Srsly, has this guy ever seen a vagina before? Consult a map, my clit is not the Lost City of Atlantis, it’s not THAT hard to find.

11. Oh wait, apparently my turn is over now. Oh good, that was a satisfying and not-at-all painful minute and a half.

12. Please don’t push my head down.

13. Jeeeeeez hurry up, I’m getting lockjaw down here.

14. Oh god, I hope he doesn’t want me to do anything weird with his balls.

15. Scrotums are soooooo sexy. Said no-one ever.

16. Oh ffs, always this bloody judgement call. If I spit it out it’s rude, if I swallow then you know, I have to actually swallow it and then he probably won’t kiss me again, even though it’s his own junk. What is WITH that?

17. Yeah, sure, no offer of oral for me, yep, no that’s fine, I’m down with that, that’s totally fair.

18. Mate, you can present your argument in as many ways as you want, you either wrap up or you’re not coming in. And btw no-one’s penis is ‘too big’ for condoms, I once got one on my head without tearing it. Haha that was so funny.

19. Right, this is fine. Not great but fine. Better make some cute, ‘porny’ noises again.

20. As well as taking a class in ‘Geography Of The Vagina’, perhaps chaps could also go to ‘Dirty Talk For Beginners’. Please never let me hear the phrase “Sensual Sexy Boobies” ever again.


22. Why do guys always optimistically think we’ll be fooled into anal by saying “Whoops, sorry wrong hole.”? Let’s just be chill with the nice, regular sex. You’re not gonna get  more points for more ‘achievements’, it’s SEX, not your Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award.

23. Hurry. Up. Wonder if I can check Twitter without him noticing.

21. Yeah yeah yeah, I love your big hard cock yep, it’s so great. But also get on with it.

22. Wow. That was an interesting face. And a nice high-pitched squeal. God the neighbours are gonna think I’m murdering a piglet in here.

23. Annnnnnnd of course he’s asleep.

24. Oh wicked, now I have to sleep in the wet patch.

25. I’m never having a one-night stand again. *refreshes Tinder*.



1 Comment

  1. Frankie The Mayfairy

    March 2, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Hahahahaha oh god this is hilarious. I may have to take a couple of minutes just to stop thinking about your nipples, though…

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