East, Humour, London, North, South, West

If the tube lines were people…

If the tube lines were people, I imagine they’d be a bit like this.

District Line 

A zimmer-framed cranky old Nana who whinges every time she has to do anything. Her joints hurt in the winter and when she is out shopping, she pauses for a little sit down on all the low-rise walls outside the high-rise flats to watch the world go by with a disapproving glance.  She mourns the state of her neighbourhood and that no-one knows each other’s names. Says the phrase ‘it weren’t like this in my day’ quite a lot.


Circle Line

A twentysomething graduate. She’s slow to start and a bit bewildered and unstable. She feels like she’s just going round and round, not really making any sense of her life. Finds making big decisions really hard and panics daily when looking at everyone else who seems to know what they’re doing and are moving forward with their life. Hates her mundane job, spends most of her day on Buzzfeed doing quizzes/reading their lists about things from the 90s and can only dine out on vouchers but on the flip side, has the best friends in the world. She can’t wait to feel like her life has finally started.


Hammersmith and City Line

A prick in a pub who drinks double jack and coke, cheats on his wife and whose shirt slightly strains at the stomach. Once paid £420 for a ropey blowjob in a brothel after a night with the lads. He’s pretty proud of it tbf. Works in middle management and cried at the office Christmas do last year when he saw the two fit girls from payroll cackling at his rendition of ‘Angels’ on the karaoke machine. Has a Chinese symbol tattooed on one bicep and a Celtic band around the other.


Waterloo and City Line

A toddler. No wait, it’s not even that, it’s a sperm. A mere twinkle in the winking eye of TFL. (Look closely. The eyes have it)

Bakerloo Line

A learned Oxbridge chap who remains an elusive bachelor in high-waisted trousers. Loves vintage fairs yet hates sequins and anything too flamboyant. Hitches his tweed trousers (pressed) up before he sits down. Is oddly fascinated by East London and all the filth it promises but worries he’ll never quite fit in.  A boff. Ravenclaw.

Jubilee Line

An overgrown, braying public schoolboy in banking. Uses a heady blend of Californian surfer and Cockney rhyming slang ‘ironically’ (“Bro! Take a ‘butchers’ at this!”) even though he’s never been near the real East End and when he was in LA all he did was go to all the places featured on ‘The Hills’. Secretly, he thought the Henley Regatta was better than the whole of LA. At 5.30 on a Friday he pops his collar up, orders a round of ‘bucas for ‘the boys on 4th’ and wakes up the next morning, peeling his clammy arm off of Crystal, the PA to the Directors on 6th. Really, really loves red trousers.

Central Line

A dolly bird, who has ‘come up London for a day wiv the gells’. Wears four layers of fake tan and those double layered false lashes so that when she grins, she looks like a shiny orange camel and at the bottom of her hi-shine plastic nails there’s a few millimetres where they’ve grown out. Finds utter glee in wearing matching personalised t-shirts with ‘naughty nicknames’ on them – last time on Jade’s hen  she was ‘Little Miss PornStar ‘. #lol!!!!!!!!!!!!  Saves peoples names in her phone like this: ~x~Heavy black heartCherry blossomRabbit face My HuNnY BoO Rabbit faceCherry blossomHeavy black heart️~x~

Northern Line

A groovy, beardy, leftie, Guardian reading graduate with a lovely job in Digital Media  and an accent that makes girls knees shake. Dreams of barge holidays and going to Alex James’ farm for a cheese festival. Voted Lib Dem last time and hates himself for it. Has recently set up a micro brewery in his airing cupboard and grows hops in his small patch of garden in Highgate.

Metropolitan Line

A foreheady Dad with a Volvo and two kids. Whilst he battles the ever growing bags under his eyes on the daily schlep to the City, the good lady wife does her shopping in Waitrose and then loads it into a 4×4 she only uses for the school run. Wishes that he had more energy to be cooler- debated going to Glasto in a yurt this year and taking the kids; instead opted for two weeks all inclusive in Tenerife.

Overground Line

Hipster. Debating whether their beard is cool or not anymore whilst sighing over the latest poem they’re tapping out on their vintage typewriter which they’ve carted to their local elusive, ‘I don’t give a shit’ coffee shop which throws in a free sardonic look with every flat white you buy. Only looks up when their vintage portable record player that they’re listening to with Beats headphones (What? They were an Xmas present okay?) skips.


Victoria Line

Universally loved by all. Popular, good looking, funny and successful, this line all other lines fancy and want to be. This is the Will Smith/Michelle Obama of tube lines.

Piccadilly Line

A clicky, gabbly snap-happy tourist gazing in wonder at London through the eyes of their shiny new Nikon. Thinks Jamie’s Italian is the same as Gauchos and that an Aberdeen Steak House is the finest in quality traditional British dining. Particularly loves Leicester Square, which everyone else knows is where souls and good taste come to die in amongst dancing life-sized M&Ms and overpriced flat pints in chain pubs.


The DLR 

A five year old smacked off their tits on candyfloss and toffee apples at the funfair BECAUSE WAH OMG LIFE IS SO AMAZING!!!!




Illustrations by Alexandra Bucktin

A bit about Alex
Alexandra is a London based graphic designer, snow lover and cake addict. Amongst many other brilliant freelance projects she was responsible for the rebranding of bloodyhellbrennan.com back in October. To find out more about her and her work, visit her website here.


  1. Eleanor O'Rourke

    July 22, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    You’re so clever! 🙂 I agree with these entirely. And the illustrations would be a brilliant addition to all those “there is a good service on…. ” boards on the underground… Or as Oyster card pouches. If your Oyster card wallet displayed your usual route home it could become a new dating game, if left casually on the table in the pub.

    1. bloodyhellbrennan

      July 22, 2014 at 9:02 pm

      INCREDIBLE IDEA! Go on TFL, take the bait! x

  2. rebeccafelgate

    July 23, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Lolllllz. You hooligan. That said, I’d take a ride on that Northern Line any day 😉 #holla

    1. bloodyhellbrennan

      July 23, 2014 at 10:21 am


  3. Kajsa

    July 23, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Central Line is spot on! Great reading! 🙂

  4. The Guyliner

    July 23, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    The District Line description is so perfect – I am breathless from laughing.

    1. bloodyhellbrennan

      July 23, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      haha oh that cranky old Nana! X

  5. Joshua Ward

    July 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

    My favorite/most frequented lines were always Northern and Waterloo and by crossing your descriptions you’ve nailed me to a tee 😀
    Damn you Liberal Democrats!!!!

  6. London News Roundup | Londonist

    July 24, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    […] Ever wondered what Tube lines would be like if they were actual human people? Wonder no more. […]

  7. Hodderscoop: 25 July 2014 | Hodderscape

    July 25, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    […] was making the rounds earlier this week: if Tube lines were people. As a daily Victoria Line user, I can only say: […]

  8. Andy Carter

    July 25, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Reblogged this on Calling All Stations and commented:
    Post from Bloody Hell Brennan…

  9. Funny Illustrations That Personify London Underground Lines As Real People | 11ElevenDC

    August 9, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    […] lines are really like—personality-wise. For the complete post, visit Brennan’s blog post. To see more of Bucktin’s work, visit her site. All descriptions used in this post are taken […]

  10. caterina

    September 22, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Stumbled upon this just now, it’s so witty and funny!

    1. bloodyhellbrennan

      September 28, 2014 at 11:39 am

      Thanks so much! glad you enjoyed! x

  11. London Accountants Lady

    July 9, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    This really made me chuckle! I commuted on the Central Line for 3 years and I have to say that I really agree with that appraisal.

    1. bloodyhellbrennan

      July 9, 2015 at 4:00 pm

      haha thank you! Glad it made you giggle! x

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