AND THE LORD TWENTYSOMETHING SPOKE UNTO THE MASSES, “THOU SHALT BE AN ADULT WHEN THOU ABIDEST BY THESE COMMANDMENTS.”

• Thou shalt know the precise location of thine counterpart driving licence.
• Thine medicine cabinet containeth more than just a box of Disney princess plasters and four half empty tubes of Berocca.

• Thou knowest how to fold a fitted sheet without having to look it up on YouTube.
• Thou maketh an ‘oof’ sound when thou sitteth downeth.
• Thou shalt no longer be plagued by repeated bleats of ‘UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA’ when thou attempts to use the the self-scanners.

• Thou stops carrying around an emergency gin-in-a-tin in thine bag.
• Thou understands and appreciates why pou pourri exists.
• Thou getteth a minge twinge over the price of a half price leg of lamb in Sainsburys.
• Thou uses thine carefully harvested Nectar and Boots Advantage points at Christmas to buy thoughtful gifts for people rather than spunking them on posh gin and eyeliner.
• Thou stops giggling at ‘Cockfosters’.
• Thou buys lightbulbs before thou spendeth weeks living in darkness. Thou also knoweth which lighbulbs to buy without having to take pictures of them on thine iPhone.
• Thou can locate the lids of all thine tupperware. And henceforth, tupperware shall be renamed ‘tupperWHERE-IS-THE-BUGGERING-LID’
• Thou listeneth to ‘The Archers’.
• Thou shalt not buy new ‘bags for life’ every time thy go to the supermarket because thou always forgetteth. Literally have a whole population of immortal bags in my cupboard.
• Thou realiseth that IKEA is but the pipe dream of a supernoodle-supping-student- Habitat is now thine porn.
• Thou shalt no longer eat cereal for dinner just because thou cannot be arseth to cook.
• Thou shalt crave a National Trust membership.
• Thou shalt do regular whites washing loads instead of bulk buying Febreze.
• Thou shalt not shave thine legs twenty minutes before thou goest out in the sink whilst hitching up your dress.
• Thou shalt not call thine Mum to check how  to defrost sausages.

Only then shall ye truly be a grown-up.

(Dunno about you but it’s sure as tits gonna take me a few years *cracks open emergency gin-in-a-tin*. SLURP. Cheers chums!)

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