Humour, Top Five

Top Five: Social Media Heartstoppers

Now we all know that social media has changed our lives. I’m grateful for it. It means I get to see my cousin’s baby (what does that make him? My second cousin? My cousin once removed? My cousin SQUARED?) on the other side of the world in Oz everyday. It means I get to see how all my beloved friends from all nooks and crannies of my life are succeeding and fanning the shit out of their lives.


Social media can oft be a cruel mistress should you mistreat it. If you don’t master it, it can play cruel tricks on you and make you look as foolish as a fag in Roald Dahl’s ‘Boy’. Here’s my

Top Five Social Media Heartstoppers.

1. Liking a photo of your crush from 2006. Right let’s all just be chill for a minute and admit that we’re all guilty of a Facebook stalk or two every now and again. If you protest you haven’t done it, everyone knows you’re lying and hey by the way, your pants are on fire bro. Is there anything more guiltily satisfying than having a new crush on someone, becoming friends with them on Facebook then seeing the glittering words  on their profile ‘763 pictures’ and the weird stalker bit of your brain goes “WAHEY DON’T MIND IF AH DOO”?  But then disaster strikes when you ACCIDENTALLY LIKE AN OBSCURE UNI PICTURE OF THEM FROM 2007. (N.b this is doubly worse on an iPhone because you can’t tell whether you’ve successfully unliked it or not, leading to you getting a bit click happy which means they’ll receive multiple notifications that you like this godforsaken picture of them dressed as a caveman on a freshers bar crawl 6 years ago). Oh god the shame. The panic. The drinking. Does everyone else feel the same when this happens? Asking for a friend….



2. When you are gearing up for a innocently cute Facebook stalk of the person you fancy and you ACCIDENTALLY TYPE THEIR NAME IN YOUR STATUS AS OPPOSED TO THE SEARCH BAR, which automatically tags them in your status. Which is just their name. And then you don’t realise. HELL.

3. An old photo reappearing on your page because someone likes or comments on it. Like this beauty from 2008 which I am now OH SO proud of:


Oh god.

4. Leaving conversations- IMAGINE if that happened in real life. You’re having a conversation with loads of your mates, you realise that you’re not interested anymore SLASH you can’t attend the event they’re discussing so you just without warning blank them all and walk away. P-r-e-t-t-y a-w-k-w-a-r-d.

5. Following someone and they don’t follow you back- a slight deviation from EvilBook, but isn’t it embarrassing when you meet someone, chat, drink, lol with them, quick mention of twitter, you follow them, THEN THEY DON’T FOLLOW YOU BACK. What do you do?! Unfollowing just seems petty, staying following but unfollowing just seems desperate.


JEEEEEEEEEZ these modern day conundrums are sent to make us para, stressed and self-conscious, and worst of all, because of how new all this technology is, there are no village elders to show us the way! We have to figure this shit out for ourselves. We are the social media pioneers! So be strong comrades! One day we’ll be able to advise our kinder about what to do when they accidentally show their new boyfriend that the last thing they googled was his ex-girlfriend. (P.s what DO you do in that situation? Asking for a me…)


p.s all potential employers- despite the fact I have just posted a picture of my bottom in a slutty Dorothy outfit online I am actually a good human being with excellent typing skills and I make really nice tea. xxxx


  1. Richard Beenham

    November 7, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Here’s another one.

    Being unfriended on Facebook by someone, and actually spending real time, genuine seconds and maybe even minutes of your life, wondering why that might be. Then catching yourself actually going through that thought process and thinking to yourself, “Hang on, I’m a grown man and I’m actually worrying about something I may have done to have caused this person to unfriend me on Facebook. What’s that all about?!”

    Then, a short time later, spending a fair amount of time with said person and getting on perfectly well, just as you always did, and actually having the question right there in your mind: “So, why have you unfriended me on Facebook?” but, being a grown man who has very clear memories of what life was like before social media, when all this was just fields and you could leave your front door open and all that, really not wanting to be the person who actually says those words out loud. Because to do so would imply that it actually matters, and it would sound ridiculous. So you just enjoy each other’s actual company, just like you used to, with that little niggly thought whirring away unspoken, and come away from it none the wiser.

    Yeah, that happened to a friend of mine.

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